Boundaries, oh my!
Boundaries are a hot topic these days, the word gets thrown around a lot. What is a boundary? By definition, a boundary is a line that marks the limits of an area. In terms of mental health and social relationships, that’s where it can get a little messy. Rigid boundaries create too much separation between people and loose boundaries lead to codependency and resentment. I’ve read many interpretations of what these kind of boundaries are, my favorite being, “the distance with which you can love yourself and someone else at the same time.” Plainly, I think of boundaries as love, love for yourself, love for others, and love for your relationships as a whole. They are about protecting the integrity of your relationships and your wellbeing for the long haul. Boundaries are not about controlling another person’s behavior or just getting what you want, they are about protecting your energy. Boundaries are how you teach people to love you. They are also how you love yourself.
Some boundaries in life need to be very firm, like not tolerating name calling, while many boundaries require more flexibility and discernment. This takes a lot of trial and error to learn. The challenge with boundaries is that it is your responsibility to uphold said boundary even if someone else doesn’t like it. It’s important to note, if abuse or harm is involved this isn’t always available and many just have to do what they can to survive. For today, we are not talking about those moments. Boundaries create safety and trust in relationships, both with yourself and other people. Think about the pure definition of a boundary. Isn’t it safer to know the limits of a relationship, where it begins and ends? Rather an open ended free for all? Its helps you know what to expect, which is much more settling to your nervous system. If you’ve ever been around kids, you know just how important boundaries are. Setting a boundary around screen time for example, might get some pushback, however is the loving thing to do for a child (and honestly yourself to prevent the negative side effects of too much screen time that you would have to deal with later). Screen time is hard on their developing brains, can disrupt sleep, can make them restless, and can interfere with them engaging with the world in meaningful ways. Boundaries as an adult might center around basic care for yourself, how you spend your time, how you communicate with others, work, your emotional experience, and your needs. This just barely scratches the surface on the topic of boundaries. For starters, just remember that boundaries are about love.
Questions to ponder.
When I think of boundaries, what are my emotional, mental, and physical reactions?
How confident am I in my ability to set and hold boundaries?
Where in my life do I need boundaries to protect my energy?
