How nice are you to yourself?
My guess, probably not very nice. You may be thinking, “why does this matter? It’s in my own head, I’m not hurting anyone.” That’s a great question. Except, you are hurting someone, yourself. In a culture that celebrates selflessness, putting others first, and self-sacrifice we have created generations of people who do not have any self-compassion for themselves. Pair that with different family and childhood experiences and you have a perfect storm for self-hatred, low self-esteem, and a lack of self-confidence. In my humble opinion, self-compassion is a prerequisite for any kind of growth, no matter what your dreams and goals may be. You can’t hate yourself into loving yourself. There’s some science behind this. Our brains cannot distinguish actual threat from perceived threat, meaning if you just think something is a problem, you will have a stress response whether it is real or not. And guess what? Negative self-talk is a psychological attack, it is a threat. So what does that mean? It creates a stress response in your nervous system. This stress response will cut off your access to the cool, calm, grounded, confident part of your brain and you will just be more reactive (think fight, flight, freeze, or fawn behaviors). Seriously, if you pay attention you will notice just how tense you are when you are hard on yourself. It is impossible to make the necessary changes in this state to move towards your dreams and goals. I’ll say it again, you cannot hate yourself into loving yourself.
You with me now? Let’s talk about what self-compassion is and isn’t. It isn’t agreeing with everything you do. It isn’t positiving (I made this word up) your way through hard things. It isn’t avoiding responsibility for your actions. It isn’t a green light to do whatever you want without consequence. It is acceptance and grace with ourselves. It is being kind when we make mistakes. It is recognizing our strengths. It is trying again without judgement. It is allowing yourself to be a human learning as you go without it meaning anything about your character when you make mistakes. Self-compassion eases your nervous system, it creates a sense of internal safety. When you feel safe, that’s where the magic happens. Internal safety is where you make progress towards your goals. It’s where you build a secure sense of self and self-confidence. So next time you’re speaking to yourself in a harsh way, you know the way you would NEVER speak to anyone else, practice a compassionate reframe the same way you would with a friend. Start being a friend to yourself. Jack Kornfield states, “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”
Questions to ponder.
When am I the most cruel with myself?
What are some self-compassionate reframes I can have ready for these times?
What do I love and appreciate about myself?
